Have you ever found yourself utterly baffled by someone’s behavior? I’m not talking about the occasional quirk or odd habit. I mean those moments when you’re left staring, slack-jawed, wondering if you’ve somehow slipped into an alternate reality where the rules of human interaction have been completely rewritten.
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with a narcissist, you know exactly what I’m talking about. These encounters can leave you feeling like you’re trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded while riding a unicycle. It’s confusing, frustrating, and often leaves you questioning your own sanity.
Today, I want to dive into seven things narcissists do that will probably never make sense to you. Buckle up, because this is going to be a wild ride through the funhouse mirror world of narcissistic behavior.
1. The Jekyll and Hyde Act
Picture this: You’re having a great conversation with someone. They’re charming, attentive, and seem genuinely interested in what you have to say. Then, in the blink of an eye, they transform into a completely different person. Suddenly, they’re cold, dismissive, or even outright hostile.
This Jekyll and Hyde act is a classic narcissist move, and it’s enough to give you emotional whiplash. One minute you’re basking in their warmth, the next you’re left out in the cold, wondering what on earth just happened.
I remember experiencing this firsthand with a colleague I once considered a friend. We’d have these great, deep conversations about life and work. But then, seemingly out of nowhere, she’d turn on me. She’d belittle my ideas in meetings or give me the cold shoulder for days on end. It was like flipping a switch, and I never knew which version of her I’d be dealing with on any given day.
The thing is, this behavior isn’t about you. It’s all about control. By keeping you off-balance, the narcissist maintains power over the relationship. They get to decide when you’re in favor and when you’re not. It’s a game they play, but unfortunately, you’re the only one who doesn’t know the rules.
2. The Blame Game Olympics
If narcissists competed in the Olympics, they’d take gold in the Blame Game every time. These folks have an uncanny ability to dodge responsibility faster than a cat avoiding a bath.
Did they make a mistake at work? It was because their coworker didn’t give them the right information. Did they forget your birthday? Well, you should have reminded them. Did they cheat on you? You weren’t giving them enough attention.
It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I once had a boss who was a master at this. No matter what went wrong, it was always someone else’s fault. Project deadlines missed? The team wasn’t working hard enough. Client complaints? The client was being unreasonable. Budget overruns? Finance didn’t allocate enough resources.
The worst part? He genuinely seemed to believe it. In his mind, he was always the victim of circumstances or other people’s incompetence. It was like watching a real-life version of that meme where the guy puts a stick in his own bicycle wheel and then blames someone else when he falls.
This behavior stems from a deep-seated fear of being seen as imperfect. Admitting fault would shatter the narcissist’s carefully constructed image of superiority. So instead, they build elaborate narratives where they’re always the hero (or the victim), never the villain.
3. The Empathy Vacuum
Imagine trying to explain the concept of color to someone who’s been blind since birth. That’s what it can feel like trying to get a narcissist to understand or care about your feelings.
Empathy, that beautiful human capacity to understand and share the feelings of another, seems to be a foreign concept in the land of narcissism. It’s not just that they don’t care about your feelings – it’s almost as if they can’t comprehend that your feelings even exist or matter.
I once shared some deeply personal news with a narcissistic friend. I was going through a tough time and needed support. Instead of offering comfort, she immediately launched into a story about her own (much less serious) problems. When I tried to steer the conversation back to my situation, she got annoyed and accused me of not caring about her issues.
It was like talking to a brick wall – a brick wall that somehow managed to make my pain all about them.
This lack of empathy isn’t just frustrating; it can be deeply hurtful. We’re social creatures, wired for connection and understanding. When we reach out for emotional support and are met with indifference or self-centeredness, it can leave us feeling alone and invalidated.
4. The Gaslighting Tango
Ah, gaslighting. It’s like the tango of toxic relationships – intricate, confusing, and leaving you dizzy and disoriented.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes you question your own reality. They’ll deny saying things you clearly remember them saying, accuse you of overreacting to their hurtful behavior, or insist that events didn’t happen the way you recall.
I had an ex who was a master at this dance. Once, after a particularly nasty argument where he said some truly hurtful things, I tried to discuss it with him the next day. He looked at me with wide-eyed innocence and said, “What are you talking about? That never happened. You must have dreamed it.”
I was so sure of what had transpired, but his conviction made me doubt myself. Was my memory playing tricks on me? Had I imagined the whole thing?
This is exactly what gaslighting does. It erodes your trust in your own perceptions and memories. Over time, you start to rely on the narcissist to tell you what’s real and what isn’t. It’s a subtle form of control that can leave lasting scars on your psyche.
5. The Boundary Bulldozer
Boundaries are like the walls of a house. They define our personal space, protect us from harm, and help us maintain healthy relationships. To a narcissist, however, boundaries are more like suggestions – and not very good ones at that.
Narcissists have a knack for bulldozing right through your carefully constructed boundaries as if they were made of tissue paper. They’ll show up uninvited, make demands on your time and energy, and act offended when you try to enforce your limits.
I once had a narcissistic coworker who would constantly interrupt my work with non-urgent requests. When I politely asked her to email me instead so I could manage my time better, she acted as if I’d deeply insulted her. “I thought we were friends,” she said, her voice dripping with hurt. “Friends help each other out.”
It was a masterclass in guilt-tripping and boundary violation. She wasn’t just ignoring my boundary; she was making me feel bad for having one in the first place.
This behavior stems from the narcissist’s belief that they are special and deserving of special treatment. Your needs, your time, your personal space – none of these matter as much as their desires. It’s not that they don’t understand boundaries; it’s that they don’t believe those boundaries should apply to them.
6. The Compliment Fishing Expedition
We all enjoy a good compliment now and then. It’s nice to be appreciated, right? But narcissists take this to a whole new level. They’re not just fishing for compliments; they’re using industrial trawling nets.
A narcissist’s sense of self-worth is like a leaky bucket. No matter how much praise and admiration you pour in, it never seems to fill up. They constantly need external validation to maintain their inflated self-image.
I once knew a narcissist who would post selfies on social media multiple times a day, each with captions fishing for compliments. “Ugh, I look so terrible today,” she’d write under a clearly carefully staged photo. Or, “I’m thinking of giving up on my dreams. No one appreciates my talents anyway.”
The comments section would quickly fill up with reassurances and compliments, which she’d soak up like a sponge. But it was never enough. An hour later, there’d be another post, another plea for attention and admiration.
It’s exhausting to witness, and even more exhausting to participate in. You might find yourself feeling obligated to constantly stroke their ego, lest they spiral into a pit of self-pity (or worse, lash out at you for not providing the adoration they crave).
This behavior comes from a place of deep insecurity. Despite their outward bravado, narcissists often have a fragile sense of self-worth that requires constant external reinforcement.
7. The Selective Memory Syndrome
Have you ever had a conversation with someone, only to have them completely rewrite history the next time the topic comes up? Welcome to the wonderful world of narcissistic selective memory.
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to remember things in a way that always paints them in the best possible light. They’ll conveniently forget their mistakes, exaggerate their accomplishments, and rewrite events to cast themselves as the hero (or the victim, depending on what serves them best).
I once worked on a project with a narcissistic team leader. When things went well, he’d regale anyone who’d listen with stories of his brilliant leadership. But when we hit obstacles? Suddenly, he couldn’t recall being involved in those decisions at all.
It was like watching someone edit their own personal highlight reel in real-time, cutting out any scenes that didn’t fit their preferred narrative.
This selective memory isn’t always a conscious deception. Many narcissists genuinely believe their revised version of events. Their need to maintain their grandiose self-image is so strong that it can actually alter their perceptions and memories.
Making Sense of the Senseless
As we wrap up this journey through the bewildering world of narcissistic behavior, you might be feeling a mix of emotions. Frustration at the memories this has stirred up. Relief at having words to describe experiences that felt so isolating. Maybe even a twinge of sadness for the narcissists themselves, trapped in a cycle of insecurity and self-aggrandizement.
Here’s the thing: you’ll probably never fully understand why narcissists do what they do. Their actions often defy logic and basic human decency. But understanding that these behaviors stem from deep-seated insecurity and a fragile sense of self can help you navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively.
Remember, you’re not crazy for finding these behaviors confusing or hurtful. They are confusing and hurtful. The problem isn’t your perception; it’s their behavior.
As we journey through life, we’ll inevitably encounter narcissists. They might be colleagues, friends, family members, or even romantic partners. When you find yourself baffled by their actions, come back to this list. Let it remind you that you’re not alone in your confusion, and that the problem lies with them, not you.
Most importantly, remember to protect your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Set firm boundaries, seek support from trusted friends or professionals, and don’t be afraid to distance yourself from toxic individuals.
In the end, the most powerful thing you can do is to focus on your own growth, cultivate genuine relationships, and live your life with authenticity and compassion. After all, the best response to narcissism is to be the exact opposite – empathetic, honest, and truly connected to others.
